I'm still trying to find someplace to buy dancewear that will fit me. Based on how my clothes fit my measurements are currently:

Waist: 50
Hips: 63

I'm not sure about chest measurements. I'll try and get those later.

While I dance I cannot hate, I cannot judge,
I cannot separate myself from life.
I can only be joyful and whole.
That is why I dance.
--Hans Bos

I'm feeling very discouraged. I still don't have my space worked out for exercising. I wish I wasn't so self conscious. Then  I wouldn't mind working out in front of my family. But I'm ashamed. I jiggle and sweat and huff and puff. It's not attractive. Though to be honest, I don't think anyone is attractive while working out.

I just need to get my space. I know, it's just another excuse. I always have excuses. I need to find a way to get rid of those dang things.

I'm excited. Very soon I'm going to have room in my bedroom to do exercises. I'll take my computer in there at night and exercise next to my bed. Right now there is a very large chair taking up all the extra room I have. So once that's gone I'll be all set.

My current plan (subject to change at a moments notice):

15 minutes stretching to warm up
3 T-Tapp videos
30 minutes dancing (maybe freestyle, maybe to a video)
15 minutes cool down

I'm feeling a little better now. I hope to go talk a nice walk tomorrow. And do some T-Tapp exercises. My new sneakers broke when I first put them on. How do sneakers break, you ask? Well these were the type where you put the laces through little ribbon type loops instead of holes in the leather. And one of the ribbon loops broke. I don't think I described that well. But I'm going to have to get new sneakers now. Blast!

I'm so discouraged. I've been looking for plus-size dance wear. I want a nice leotard, tights, etc. Maybe a nice lyrical dance dress, tutu, etc too. But everything I'm finding doesn't come big enough. Sure some SAY they come in a 3X or 4X, but the sizes they correspond too are like 18/20. I'm a 30/32. I can't find ANYTHING that fits my size. I can't sew. And I can't afford to have anything custom made for me. So it feels like my dancing dreams must be placed on a back burner for a while.

I've been googling for BBW dance stories, pictures, etc. It's hard to find. I haven't found anything new lately. Sadly though there are many many many sites with pictures of fat (and not so fat) women that are being made fun of. It makes me want to cry. Why do people think it's okay to make fun of people because they aren't skinny? My heart aches. I see the pictures of beautiful women, and read the comments calling them hideous, hilarious, a joke, etc. Bastards!

Still sick. Blah.

I think my walk yesterday may have been a bad idea. Or at least I should have dressed better for it. Today I am so sick. I think I have strep throat, or the beginning of the flu, or at the very least a nasty cold. So I'm posting this from bed. No exercise for me today. I can barely breath.

I'm watching a lot of inspiring videos, and reading a lot about T-Tapp. I'm also gathering some healthier recipes that sound yummy. So today won't be a complete waste.

Today was a fine day. I ate like normal, nothing extra good. I wish. Have to make do with what we already have, no money to buy healthier food yet. But I do go for a walk. I walked for about 2 blocks I'd estimate. I know that doesn't sound like much, but I was cold. I hope tomorrow to do it again.

I just posted 4 T-Tapp videos. I think I can do those. Not perfectly at first I'm sure, but good enough to get some benefit.

Here is what I would like to do to start:

30 mins stretching, including 15 at the *barre* (my kitchen counter)
4 T-Tapp videos
Walk or dance for 30 minutes (likely will start off with walking until I have a more private area for dancing)

I think that sounds reasonable for getting back into moving.

Thread the Needle - Waist to Knee Spot Reduction

T-Tapp Twist -

T-Tapp Lunges

T-Tapp hoe downs: 3 minutes of carb busting

I sewed a hole in my workout pants today. I think that was a good step toward bringing myself to start dancing. I'll dance alone if need be. There is something so relaxing to getting lost in the music. My feet moving on their own, propelling my body across the floor. I'm going to try and do more conventional exercising as well. Stretching, cardio, etc. I've always been interested in T-Tapp. I know some people who've used that form and had amazing results.

I was just looking online to see if there were any interesting dance classes near me that I could sign up for. Unfortunately my search produced discouraging results. There aren't many choices around here. I would love to join belly dancing, jazz or lyrical dance. I can't find ANY lyrical classes at all. All beginning jazz classes are for little kids. And only one belly dancing teacher, who I already know, and she's not a good teacher at all.

I used to dance when I was a kid. Danced until my mid-teens. I've always been fat, but I think I was pretty good. I have good rhythm, and the spirit. But it's been so long I know I need beginner classes again. Very frustrating.

I wish I didn't feel so embarrassed about exercising at home. But I do. Maybe eventually I won't, but for now, I do. I get out of breath easily and I'm sweating and huffing and puffing and moving slow. I need to not be around my family while doing that.

Oh, and there I am again with the excuses. Naughty Angelina!

Raks Baladi African Drum Solo by Eve

Tina BBW belly dancer 09/08

Arabian Spices

The Biggest Ballet Ever!

I find these woman to be incredibly inspirational. I would love to join a ballet like this. I only wish it wasn't supposed to be funny.

 

My plans to go for a dark walk did not work out. It's cold, and to be honest I was a little too nervous to walk after dark. I hate this about myself. I always find excuses. Or I procrastinate until it's too late. I need to STOP this. I'm never going to love myself and feel better if all I do are give excuses.

I want to love myself. I want to move better. I want to breathe better. If I can accomplish those things I'll be thrilled. I don't NEED to lose weight to be happy. Though I do expect that to be a by-product of being more active and eating better (when I get there).

I'm going to post some videos and pictures I find inspirational.

A new day. A new chance of living my life. And so far I've been chasing kids and playing online. I wanted to do a workout video, go for a walk, and dance. But I'm far too embarrassed to do it in front of the sprogs. I shouldn't be, I know. But my oldest is a teenager and is very judging. We live in a small house and I can't really get away.

See? I can always come up with excuses. LOL

I think after my husband gets home tonight I'll try and go for a walk. It'll be dark, but this is a pretty safe area. So that's my plan.

I'm trying to decide what this blog is going to include. Food logs? Exercise journal? Motivational pictures? I'm guessing it'll end up being a bit of a mash up of all of that.

I haven't been eating the best lately. It's hard. We're low income, and making sure my kids have food is more important than me eating a balanced diet. I really need to work on that. For example, breakfast/lunch today was crackers with some peanut butter. And I admit, I didn't exercise today. My girls were very demanding and I just didn't get a chance. But I also didn't work hard on MAKING a chance. I need to get better at that.

Welcome to Dance For My Life

Welcome to my new blog. Dance For My Life. I am Angelina. I'm in my mid-30's and a stay at home mom to three kidlings. We'll call them Tiny, Shiny, and Dawn. (Yes, we're fans of Dinosaur Train.) I'm starting this blog because I need to find my life again.

I currently weigh approximately 365 pounds. This is the most I've ever weighed, but this isn't the first time. About 5 years ago I weighed this much, but I strictly dieted and got down to 245. Then I got pregnant with Shiny and things got bad again. I find it hard to be on a strict diet with kids around. I'm too busy chasing them around to exercise (hello excuse), and if there are treats around for them it's very tempting. So here I am. Back up in weight, and down in spirit.

I am not one of the people in this world that look down on fat people. I've been fat my whole life. And to be honest I expect to always be fat. As long as you're healthy that's all that matters. But I don't feel healthy at this size. I need to get my life back.

My weight goal is to be a size 14 by the time I turn 40. I have 4 1/2 years to do it. I really hope I can. But my biggest wish is to simply feel good again. I want to be flexible again. Have stamina again. Energy again. And my preferred way to reach those goals is dancing. I am a dancer at heart, and I'm hoping that passion will propel me through this journey.